moustaches and momsense

"Obviously you’re growing out your facial hair so you never have to kiss me again "- and other sensitive subjects.

James just shaved his mustache yesterday and it reminded me of a meltdown I had a little while ago:

 For days I had a little problem that was simmering away, bubbling along, waiting for a certain person to take notice.I fully blame the following on pregnancy; I had convinced myself that the only reason my baby daddy was growing out his stache and beard, was because he had devised a secret plan to never have to kiss me again. (When it’s at a prickly stage I find myself bracing a kiss, if you’ve kissed someone with facial hair you know the feeling. Or if you’re a heterosexual male, I guess it would be like kissing an armpit that’s a couple days past shaven... what you haven’t kissed an armpit before? Use your imagination!) This seems really funny to me now since it has finally become safe for us to laugh openly about it, but I have to admit that at the time whatever cocktail of hormones my body was secreting had me totally emotional. To say the least. 

Let me elaborate on pregnancy emotional vs. regular emotional with the following true story examples. 

Example Situation 1: BF leaves small pile of dirty clothes on the floor on his side of the bed. 

Regular response might be: Hmm. That’s annoying. I have to walk around this to access my closet. 

My pregnant emotional response: OMG James is falling out of love with me. This is apparent because he doesn’t even have enough energy left to pretend to care about tidiness. His unwillingness to drop his dirty clothes into the hamper that is inches away from the floor they rest on now, is clear symbolism for his unwillingness to put in any more energy into our relationship. We are doomed. Intense weeping ensues. 

Example Situation 2: My mom gently suggests that we should perhaps think about buying some non-chlorinated gentle disposable diapers to have on hand in case we find ourselves too tired and overwhelmed in the beginning to fuss with the cloth diapers I just told her about. 

Regular response might be: Ya, maybe you’re right. Maybe just in case, if only they are used when we are experiencing genuine sleep deprivation. And maybe just for the very beginning. 

My pregnant emotional response: Well clearly my mother thinks I don’t know anything about babies and am going to fail in my attempt to diaper my child in an environmentally, economical, and most importantly more comfortable for the baby way. Just because she used disposables doesn’t mean I’m going to! Why can’t she trust my judgment? I’ve done the research and she hasn’t! The lesson I must take from this is : tell mom nothing. Be prepared for battle. Weeping again.

***Love you, mom. We got some disposables on hand because to convince oneself that the only acceptable thing to do is cloth diaper right away, no matter what, is crazy. You were right. But I’m sure you know that.

Example situation 3: It’s 2am and I can’t get comfortable, I can’t seem to fall asleep, and my bf is already snoozing away in dreamland. He has been on set for the past gazillion days and is sleep deprived. I decide this is a perfect time to wake him and be flirtatious. Obviously that doesn’t go as planned... he turns the other way and continues to snore. 

Regular response: Do not take this personally. He is exhausted. And you are annoying. 

My pregnant emotional response: I am a huge undesirable cow, with stretch marks, swollen limbs and zero sex appeal. Why would he want to be flirted with while I am in such a state? He probably has realized that I will never look the same, and is missing the skinny minnie he fell in love with. I have brought on my own sexiness expiration date by bearing a child sooner than most. From now on he will look at his friends’ significant others and wonder why he settled for me. He will never see me as his cute girlfriend again, just a ‘mom’ figure. I may as well prepare for a lifetime of celibacy ahead. Weeping. 

These are some examples of the effect that hormones have had on me throughout my pregnancy. The part that is hard to explain and illustrate, is that even though the situations sound so ridiculous and at times maybe humorous, at the time I experienced them, they really had a profound effect on my mental state. With the mustache example, I truly genuinely believed that James just didn’t care about the prickly effect because kissing me wasn’t even a worthy cause to get rid of the prickles. I was convinced that the stupid mustache was going to spiral into a whole whack of relationship problems for us. And when I say melt down, I mean full on sobbing, depressed and helpless feeling. Those are some pretty intense emotions! 

The best thing I can suggest to you when you are dealing with an unstable preggo (or me), is even though part of you probably just wants to look at that person and say, “you’re just emotional because you’re pregnant” - please don’t do this! It may seem so obvious that you feel to pretend anything else would be dishonest (trust me, I am known for having a very limited filter and know how difficult it would be to bite your tongue in this type of a situation). 

 I am so lucky and grateful that James comforted me through my mustache meltdown and pretended that he was so unbelievably sorry that he missed my cues on the whole ‘ouch’ factor, and that if he had known that it was causing me such physical discomfort he would have shaved it all of right away! After calming me down and being amazingly empathetic about the pathetic situation, he immediately shaved it off. 

We laugh at this now and he openly admits that he totally thought I was overreacting, but knew not to give me any insight on his true feelings at the time because it wouldn’t help the situation. 

A more relatable example would be when someone tells you that you’re being emotional or irrational because ‘you must be having your period’. How annoying! Even if it’s true, don’t say it!!!

Mustaches and momsense,

Martyna

Tight asses.

Most common questions I’ve been asked during my pregnancy:

1. When are you due?
2. Do you know what you’re having?
3. Have you picked a name?
4. Have you had any cravings?
5. Are you and James going to get married now?

Don’t get me wrong, these are interesting enough questions, but after being asked the same thing a million times I can’t help but wonder if the questions people are asking are their genuine curiosities, or are they just what have been deemed socially appropriate in this culture. It’s like people are reading a script instead of looking inward and letting themselves ask what they truly want to know. 

The more I immerse myself into the prenatal world through research (mostly from inspiring people and less from books), the more I realize there is a huge lack of openness in Canada when it comes to the topic of pregnancy. The following is definitely more opinion then fact, but I personally think this is total crap!

Unless you live in a desolate island away from all mammals, chances are you have, and will, encounter a woman preparing for labour at some point, if not many times. How could you not have questions? Initially, I thought my genuine curiosity and quickly evolving passion was biased. I thought, ‘ I must be obsessively interested in the nitty gritty details because, well, I’m going through this right now’. But then something happened after an amazing prenatal workshop I attended with my baby daddy, where my aforementioned suspicions of society’s ridiculous pressure to keep the interesting questions tabu were affirmed. A fire seemed to be lit right under my bum that all of a sudden gave me major motivation to challenge our nation’s *tight asses.

*Tight ass- the result of being encouraged to move through life both physically and metaphorically like a robot. Pelvic floor physiotherapists see them all the time in Canada, and in particular it’s women who suffer from the condition because we have been brainwashed to think that to hold things in is normal. As my prenatal yoga instructor would say “ it is not enough to practice keggels each day. You must practice releasing your anal sphincters by practicing ‘horse lips’ if you want to refrain from existing as a tight ass”. She often teaches about the connection between tight ass syndrome and mental and sexual health. I seriously love her. 

Anyways, the amount of pregnancy topics I want to share with everyone I know right now is so vast, that I’d have to write an entire novel. But just to spark your imagination, I’ve put together a list of questions that I wish women felt comfortable asking. Maybe if I offer these to you, it will encourage you to ask your own questions that come up. Although I caution: just because I am totally comfortable and excited to share my journey candidly and honestly with you, this does not mean other women may be. Though this makes me sad for the women that are tight-lipped, and for you for being deprived of fascinating knowledge, I am at least happy to hopefully offer another perspective. 

Some questions I wish people felt comfortable asking: 

1. Emotionally, what have been your biggest lessons and challenges throughout the past months with the ever-fluctuating influence of hormones?
2. Are there any physical changes that you weren’t expecting that have surprised you and/or your partner?
3. How has your relationship with baby daddy changed? In what ways were there challenges, in what ways has there been growth?
4. Why are you wanting a home birth? Why wouldn’t you want to give birth at a hospital like everyone else you know who has had children?
5. What subjects in particular would you consider a must for doing your own extensive research on?
6. What fears have come up throughout your pregnancy that you wouldn’t otherwise experience?
7. What has been the best advice you’ve been given amongst all the advice that has been offered? 
8. What do you wish people didn’t say to you?
9. What would you consider to be great ways to support a pregnant friend/family member throughout their journey?
10. If you had a magic wand and could change something from the experience, what would you change? What will you treasure forever?

Those are some that come to mind. Again, all very broad topics but perhaps I’ll force some of you to give me some feedback on which ones you’d think would be worth reading about. Maybe none, maybe all. My goal is to offer some insight on things that you guys are curious about. And my dream, well, for all the tight asses in our society to let go and speak freely about this very natural, normal, beautiful part of life!

Happy Horse Lips,

Martyna

It's positive!

“James stop the car! I need to run into Shopper’s and get something...”

“What do you need?”

“Chips!”

This is the world’s worst lie. We have just rushed out of my hair appointment because of my sudden extreme nausea. You see, my hairdresser and I share an intense love for Dolly Parton-esque do’s and hairspray. Both Dolly and hairspray are usually my norm. Like pate and pickles (Polish thing), they are a regular part of my routine. Yet, on this particular day the smells, the spray, the music, the light, and basically everything around me is nauseating.

I run into the store, beeline towards the pharmacy and have my first of what will soon be many, out-of-body pregnancy-related experience. Is this really me standing in front of the pee stick section? I mean, I know tons of girls who buy these things all the time. I have one friend who is so paranoid that she stocks up every time they go on sale and has them on hand in her bathroom, like tampons. Another just buys them in bulk at Costco because they are too expensive otherwise, and figures that while actively trying and monitoring her flow etc., ( can’t remember what the process was exactly but there were very detailed calendars and times and schedules involved... clearly, I did not have this obstacle ha ha ha...) she may as well get used to taking them regularly. 

Anyways, there I am, buying my first pregnancy test, and of course there are a million options. With my mind already spinning with ‘what if’s’ there is hardly any room to make consecutive decisions about brands. 

Why is there a price range for pregnancy tests?! Does the more expensive one mean it’s more accurate? What brands were my friends using? Should I get two? That seems to be what people do in movies in case one is off.

 Which BTW don’t bother ever doing because the only thing that can in fact make the little window show a + is pregnancy hormone... which I learn later. Also, take nothing related to pregnancy or birth that you see in media seriously. 

I decide that I am not even pregnant anyway and this whole pregnancy test thing is just me being ridiculous. I’m only getting it so I can tell James, who has been convinced all summer that I’m pregnant, that he’s wrong!

 I fly out of the store with my bag of chips and a 50% off clearance pregnancy test. I figure to keep my secret a secret, I should avoid eye contact and conversation in general for the rest of the car ride. Another very    

un-me like thing. 

Upon our arrival home, I immediately lock myself up in the bathroom. I open the box and read the directions about one hundred times, just to be sure. If you haven’t done this, it is very simple:

1. Pee on the stick.
2. Look at the window on the stick.
3. If there is a + in the window on your stick, sit down on your bathroom floor and try not to pass out. 

I follow the steps. And then I look. And then I re-read the directions about a hundred times. I look at the stick again. I look into the toilet to make sure that my pee looks normal, as though that would be the real proof. I look at the photo on the instructions. I turn the stick upside down and sideways just in case I am seeing the + wrong. I am pretty sure I shake it, blow on it, tap it, talk to it, and everything but sing to it. I behave like this for an unknown amount of time.  I believe you could say I am in denial. Yep, if denial and shock had offspring, I would be their baby. 

Next thought; I’ve been in the bathroom for what is starting to feel like a long time and James is like 4 meters away from me in the living room (our apartment is tiny) and is making no noise. Therefor he has heard me opening a box and shuffling papers, peeing a little, then stopping, and then peeing more. Obviously I am taking a pregnancy test. 

I come out of the bathroom and just stand there looking at him. He knows. I know this by the hugeness in his eyes and his body language. 

He sees that I am the offspring of denial + shock and probably at this point is not sure how to approach me. I remember seeing wetness in his eyes and exchanging nervous/excited embraces, but all I kept thinking was ‘stupid choice buying the clearance test... it has obviously malfunctioned, and now you've just gotten him worked up for no reason’. I actually remember giving him the heads up that it was a clearance test and so it was likely wrong! Clearly I am still in denial.

We are at a walk-in within the hour because I decide that that will be the only true way to know for sure. I do another pee test. Nurse leaves the room and James and I make little jokes about how crazy it would be if she came back and said that it was positive. Nurse comes back and hands us a pamphlet about babies and tells us it’s positive.

And so it begins :)