Popping bubbles

Pool test: check!

Pads in freezer: check!

Plastic bed sheet (a.k.a. shower curtain liner): check!

Prunes supply: check!

What the heck am I preparing for? Why, OBVIOUSLY a birth....

So at three days past my estimated “due” date, while I’m sitting like a chicken on her egg waiting for a hatch, I’ve come to realize a few things about my journey so far. I feel like I've learned a ton about a topic I knew little about 9 months ago, and that perhaps I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks along the way, some worth sharing. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all or that I'm pushing my ideas on anyone so I've written this as a letter to myself, kinda like 'If I knew then what I know now' if that makes sense. Anyways, the following is a letter I would give to myself 9 months ago... so confusing. Just read. If you want.

Dear Martyna,

Congratulations!!! You are expecting a baby! What a blessing, what a miracle. You must feel SO excited/nervous. You’ve dreamt of this moment since you were little, and now it’s happening!  A fairytale dream come true. I bet you’re already thinking of nursery colors, matching outfits, picnics, adventures, family vacations, school lunches, milestones, and what this person you’ve created will be like. 

HOLD IT! I understand your excitement but you still have a whole freaking NINE months to get there! You still have to figure out how this baby’s coming out! Have you seen the size of a newborn's head recently? And have you taken a look at the size of your vagina lately? Don’t think there isn't boat loads of physical and emotional preparation to be had! You still have to think about how you’re going balance school/work/nausea! You still have to think about how you’re going to do this in a city where you don’t have family or even friends yet. Please read and re-read the following advice, Martyna. It’s going to save you a lot of time, tears, and troubles if you truly listen to it.

Advice #1, The Only One: Have no expectations! None.       

You see, Martyna, though you may or may not realize it now, you have a lot of preconceived notions about pregnancy. You don’t know how or why some of these have come to exist for you, but trust me they are there. As quick as they surface, they will shock you. You'll see. 

You thought that when the nurse handed you the baby manual and said, “congratulations” that within that manual you’d find the answers to many of your questions. You also thought the manual your mom sent would do that. And the one your soul mom sent. And the one your baby daddy’s daddy gave you. And the one you picked out from.... you get the picture. Please let this expectation go. 

You think that because you are pregnant, all the mama’s you know are going to swarm around you like cushiony support offering their advice and sharing their experiences. You think they will teach, inspire, and show you the ropes because surely that’s what is supposed to happen. Wake up. We live in Canada. So many T.A.S. (Tight Ass Syndrome) sufferers reside here. Please let this expectation go. 

You think you are going to weed through all the library books in town, find the ultimate ones, and that by the time baby comes you will be a well-rounded expert. You think that because surely by now there has to exist an encyclopedia of sorts that resonates with your ideas and surely it will cover everything. You think you’ll find it, read it, and have all your bases covered, from breastfeeding to vaccines. You secretly think you yourself will turn into a human child birth encyclopedia. Please let this expectation go. 

You think you  are going to be the same ‘you’, just with a bigger belly. You think you’ll be able to function normally as you have been, will continue your classes and doing everything just as you’ve been doing and that you will just be a cuter, more ‘glowing’ version of yourself with big boobs. Please let this expectation go. Except for the boobs. 

My dear, naive Martyna, I have to burst your bubble. The only thing you can/should expect from here on in... is to have your mind blown. You can expect to change in absolutely every single way possible. There are going to be thoughts, curiosities and worries that are going to surface from... who the hell knows where for you. You are going to start analyzing and over-analyzing details of yours and other people’s childhoods while you try to pick out exactly what the parents did right/wrong. But somewhere along this path of trying to prepare, you are going to realize two amazing things. 

1. You ALREADY have access to the best pregnancy resource ever: your intuition. Or your gut. Or your spidey senses. When you read or hear advice, your own little radar goes off and lets you know what feels right and what doesn’t. Don’t doubt the validity of that! 
2. There is no right or wrong way to do anything, only YOUR way. I.e. What works or doesn't work for you is the only thing that matters. Once you realize and accept the fact that your expectations are very different from reality, please acknowledge it and smile big, know that something better is going to happen. You are going to develop an unshakeable confidence in your decisions and choices. Those little aforementioned radars that are going to surface will all have medical, scientific blah blah blah evidence behind them... but so will your intuitions!  And that’s butt loads better than anything anyone can tell/give you!

You are going to get really passionate about a lot of taboo topics. You are going to want to share the exciting information with everyone because you will assume that they will find it fascinating too. But at first you will second guess yourself, you will wonder , ‘ who is going to care about this stuff other than preggo’s?? Am I just going to offend/gross people out?’ 

Don’t spend too much time worrying or even caring about that though. Because finally one day when everything you’ve learned sinks into your core, gives you a high-five and a huge bear hug, you will feel so empowered and liberated that your previous worries of being judged will completely dissipate. And then you’ll turn off your filter (not that you ever really had a huge one) and write a blog. And within a week when you get over a thousand hits and only positive feedback, you’ll realize that your intuition was right. People DO want to hear about the untold. This will humble you to the moon and back.  Because, just like you, unless they’ve been there, they probably don’t know some of the awesome and confusing things that come up during pregnancy. Like freezing menstrual pads, pro-poop prunes , or plastic bed sheets for birth, just to name a few. And, just like you, they probably have expectations that may or may not be met in the future. And maybe reading about how some of your bubbles were popped will lessen the impact of their own. Or, maybe, just like you, they will experience the challenge of distinguishing what exactly is the difference between your waters breaking vs. peeing your pants while taking off your rain boots. And then hearing that you faced this dilemma will make them feel less crazy if/when they do.

And that’s really the gist of it. I could ramble on about the amazing benefits of prenatal yoga, eating greens till you turn green, workshops to take, articles to read, videos to watch, etc. But I truly know from my own journey that if you erase your expectations, trust your intuition, and do what feels right, you will have absolutely no regrets. It sounds simple, and it is... once you get it. Good luck!

Love, 

You in 9 months

Thank YOU

Thank you to every family that’s ever let me into their home, for showing me a glimpse of the functionality and dysfunctionality, both equally sweet, that a real family unit balances each day. It’s because I’ve seen your families’ warmth, unconditional acceptance, laughter, and love, that I’m excited to have my own. 

Thank you to every mama and papa that’s ever had the courage to share with me their trials, successes, and even failures or mistakes as parents. It’s because of your honesty and openness that I’ve learned, grown, and am prepared for becoming a parent in my own right. You can’t learn that stuff from books.

Thank you to every child that’s blessed me with insight into their pure hearts, in the way that only a child can, and even for the times my own integrity and patience was tested. Some of my biggest lessons have been from the smallest-sized people. My fascination and admiration for the children I’ve been lucky to know is the reason I can’t wait to meet my own. Children keep us all honest. 

 Thank you to for the strength the mama’s that have or will have challenges with growing their own family possess. Though I have been fortunate not to have these obstacles, I do know that the strength and courage your spirits hold is immeasurable; you are super heroes. Any physical/mental/emotional hiccups I’ve had throughout this journey are not even comparable to the challenges and obstacles you have had or are facing. Thank you for your strength because without a doubt it has rippled its way through communities of women and eventually reached me. It also is a constant reminder for me not to take this huge blessing for granted.

And so thank you, my future daughter, my biggest blessing, for picking me as your mama. I am grateful for the lessons you’ve already taught me and the countless ones you will. The journey of becoming a mother is a huge honor. I am lucky to have you, and I acknowledge that. Your daddy and I already love you more than anything and are going to try our best to show you that in everything we do.

I know in my heart that I’m going to make a great mama, but I also know that that is thanks to the children, parents and families that have shown me how to be just that. As my baby’s birth day approaches I am full of emotions, wonders, and curiosities. I hope my little family, my journey into motherhood, and my beautiful child touches you in some way. Even if it’s a small, simple way. Even if it’s in a laugh. 

Huge gratitude, 

A mama

P.s. A very special thank you to all  the mama’s that have shaped me, it takes a village. 

comic "relief"

Caution: I debated posting this on and off all morning because it’s slightly embarrassing. But the fact that I’ve been getting amazing amounts of encouragement and support for the honesty I share with you through my blog has helped me decide to go for it. My temporary (hopefully) embarrassment is a very small and very worthy sacrifice in exchange for shedding some light on very common, normal and hilarious tidbits on my last month as a penguin. 

                       “Did you just cough and pee yourself?”

So, the other night I was experiencing some pretty intense pressure on my pelvis and lower back. Apparently baby is sitting reaallllyy low right now, and that’s a good thing because “things are lining up nicely”, according to my midwife. This also means limited or no bladder control...

“James, my back is hurting again. Want to have a bath?”

“Sure, meet you there.”

*Warm baths have been my salvation... some people have told me that they raise your body temperature too much for baby and may not be safe, but I categorize that advice into my personal little 'Overdramatic and Questionable Advice' pile. It's not like I am bringing myself to boil and remaining on simmer for an hour.

I waddle my way into the bathroom a couple minutes later to find baby daddy already sprawled out in the tub in starfish pose, enjoying the space and freedom before I flop in and take over. (At eight and a half months pregnant I’m 27lbs heavier than usual.) I fling off my jammies, huffing and puffing away, when suddenly, I feel a huge cough coming on. I am too excited about the relief my back and I are about to experience from floating in warm water to brace myself. Sure enough, my bladder chooses this particular moment to disengage. 

“Did you just cough and pee yourself?”

“Yup...  it's been happening all the time. I told you that!”

“Yeah... but I actually just totally watched it happenl!!! You coughed, and then it just came out!” He leans out over the edge of our bathtub and peers onto the floor. Great, there’s even  a little pool of evidence. 

“Oh my God it’s right there on the floor!!” This pushes him over the edge. James is now peeing his own self, so to speak, laughing hysterically and splashing away in the tub.

It is completely beyond my comprehension how people conceal from each other these types of awkward yet amusing stories. (Perhaps another symptom of Tight Ass Syndrome.) And why would you? They are hilarious and deserve to be shared. I hope you agree.

Pools of laughter,

Martyna

cave woman confidence

A pastor, a skeptic, a doctor, an over-analyst, and .... me?

Me: “My midwife recommended we take a prenatal class. I’m SO not into it!”

Anonymous relative: “Me either, I didn’t do any of that stuff for either of my pregnancies.”

Me: “Like, what are we going to talk about? Breathing techniques? I already know how to breathe.”

Reasons I had for not doing a prenatal class:

- Paranoia of brainwash

- Fear of not “fitting in”

- Expensive

- Figured I could self-educate myself on anything they were going to teach me

- It will be boring, and then I’ll feel bad for dragging James along

- I don’t know anyone that’s done them, and they all seemed to pop their babies out 

Reasons I ended up doing a prenatal class: 

- Found one that seemed balanced (educational but “natural” focused)

- Decided at least my baby daddy will be there with me

- Soul mama gave me some baby funds for Xmas specifically for things like this

- Learning from books was beginning to annoy me, I wanted to learn from real people

- James really wanted to do it (I know, right? I’m so lucky!)

- Though everyone I know popped out their babies fine, no one did it the way I want to (home birth)

“Hello everyone and welcome. I always like to start the class by going around the circle and everyone introducing themselves, their due dates, whether they know what they’re having, and a brief description of the type of birth they are hoping to have”, says our friendly prenatal teacher. So far I know she’s a doula, though I’m not yet entirely certain what that entails. I’m looking her over and trying to guess details about her life and personality based on appearance, even though I know that’s a ridiculous thing to do. Hmm she has a septum piercing flipped upward and hiding... professional by day but maybe has a little wilder side too. I see the edge of a tattoo under her rolled up sleeve, this seems to me a good sign. Clearly she’s not uptight and doesn’t care what people think. Her legs are pulled up and she’s sitting cross-legged on her chair. I don’t know what this means about her per se, but I like it. Makes me feel like I can lean back into the couch I’m sitting on and not feel restrained. Yes, I am being ridiculous and judgmental, but don’t pretend you wouldn’t be overanalyzing the person you’re about to spend your entire weekend with, the one that’s supposed to teach you everything you hope to know about labour and beyond. 

“Let’s start with you!” she smiles excitedly and makes direct eye contact with me... crap. 

“Hi, I’m Martyna... this is James. Our estimated due date is April 11th, we are having a girl. I am not sure how I’ve come to the following labour and birth ideas, because I don't personally know anyone that did it this way, but we are hoping to have a natural birth at home, in a water birthing tub. We’ve been under the care of midwives. My goal is to avoid medical intervention as much as possible, and to only transfer to a hospital if there is an emergency. ”  No one’s nodding their heads in approval except for the instructor. Everyone looks scared for me, like having a birth naturally in my home is an alien concept. The mama’s in particular look like their eyes are going to burst. But maybe it’s because I’m half the age of most of them and we look like teenagers amongst this crowd. Could be that. Could also be my own insecurities. Must be, because why would I care about head nod approvals from strangers. 

“Hi, I’m ______this is James. Hahaha yep, two James’ in the class!” Hmm, she’s nervous too. Not just me. “We are due _________ and do not yet know what we are having. We plan to have our baby at the Women’s and Children’s hospital, because I am the type of person that likes to know exactly  what’s going on all the time. For example, when I go for a bike ride, I like to map out my entire route before we even leave the house. I like to have my little computer with me so I can calculate how far we’ve gone, and how far we are going. I am obsessed with details.” This is an actual quote, not an exaggeration, “ I wish my little bicycle computer could calculate every detail with my labour and birth too, that would make me feel more in control.”

“Hi, I’m ________ and this is my wife ________. God has been a huge part of our journey. I’m in bible school studying to become a paster. God, God, God, more God. God, and then God some more. Our faith, God’s miracle. Thank you God. Thank you Amy for carrying God’s miracle for me, and the huge sacrifice your body is making for God’s sake. God. Marriage, Faith, baby, God. We are scheduled at the hospital.” On this one I maybe am slightly exaggerating, only because after a while of this I find myself tuning out.

“Hi, I’m ________ and I’m expecting a boy. I am seeing midwives but plan to give birth at the hospital. We are on our second set of midwives because the first were so horrible. A lot of things have been horrible. I actually have questions for you, Robin. What is the percentage of this in relation to that. What has been your experience with this type of horrible emergency. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend had this horrible thing happen to her... can you give me an estimated number of how many times you’ve encountered that as a doula? What is the likelihood that this horrible thing will happen if I am feeling this horrible symptom. Does placenta encapsulation help with menopause? Menopause is horrible.”

This one’s my favorite:

“Hi I’m ___________. I don’t know what I’m having but I”m due _______. I have  a doula, the same midwives as Martyna and James, and am planning a natural home birth without intervention. Up until recently I worked as a pediatrician at the hospital, specializing in births, but now I’m focusing on my child psychology practice. I want a home birth because I trust in my body and don’t want to associate my labour with feeling like I’m at “work”. The hospital is not a peaceful environment for me and I know I just wouldn’t feel comfortable laboring there.” That’s right. She’s a doctor. And she’s doin’ it the way we plan to. Ahhhh, finally. 

Though it may sound like I’m poking fun at the other couples in our group, I’m not. Well, maybe some and maybe just a little. They were all very nice and I thought it was an interesting mix of people. I just wanted to paint a picture for you, my lovely reader, at how very different each person’s ideas about birth are. It amazed me that we all picked this particular prenatal class, with our different preconceived notions of labour and birth, different hopes and fears. 

I couldn’t help but wonder why the couples so intent on hospital birth picked a class called ‘Birthing from Within’ by a business entitled ‘Dancing Star Birth’, but the good thing that came out of the fact that we all seemed to be from totally different planets, was that we got to hear different perspectives than if we all thought the same way. And that’s always a good thing. Sometimes I find hearing someone’s opposing view on a subject just makes me feel that much stronger and more confident about my own.  And strength and confidence are definitely good feelings to have when you’re thinking about your birth plan, whatever that may be.

Anyways, enough about our quirky group. Here are some of my favorite things that came out of the Birthing From Within prenatal workshop:

• The birth video we were shown of a Mexican midwife’s natural water birth at home. The mama starts her day off with early labour contractions, and right away sees this as a reason to rejoice, celebrate; not  panic like they do in movies. She calls her relatives over and together as a family, with her children in tow, they go for a long walk down to a local river. Upon returning home they have a huge feast together, during which she at times takes breaks to focus on breathing through the stronger contractions. Eventually, while in *labour land, she gets the urge to walk around her home again. She is walking and breathing through more intense contractions, and at one point makes eye contact with her husband who makes her feel like this : 

“The sensation in my womb was as though the sun was wanting to burst out of my belly, and if I looked at him it was very clear as if it was our love that was swollen inside my belly and that it was wanting to burst out.” Her husband begins to walk backwards with her, almost slow dancing, and she explains that when she looks at him it reminds her that the sensation, though like pain, is their love bursting. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO LOOK AT THE PAIN! Seriously, this part of the film is life-changing for me. Everyone watching this film in our class is crying at this point. Anyways, eventually the midwife gets into a huge beautiful tub and says that “the professional midwife side of me knew it was too early to get into the water, but my women’s intuition knew it was time”. Again, what a profound statement. After assisting in the birth of so many babies and knowing the medical side of it, she trusts her instinct more. I suppose this is how the pediatrician in our group feels. Baby is born into a warm water world and with the help of midwives is brought up to mama’s chest right away, and it’s the most breathtaking eye-opening moment for me. It suddenly clicks... this is what I want. This is what I’ve been researching and learning, and all the while wondering why I had these urges to birth naturally at home... well now it’s clear. It’s because of my woman’s intuition. And although I’ve only heard of hospital births and c-sections, somewhere inside of me, my women’s instinct knew there was another way. 

• Confidence. The confidence and trust James and I developed in each other, and in my body; knowing that my body made this miracle, and my body is made to birth this miracle. Cave women did this with no resources, I can do this. 

• Owning our birth. No matter what our labour journey ends up looking like, we can make informed decisions the entire way through. Our birth is in our hands, we have rights and can have a say in many things that happen along the way to make the space comfortable for us: the lighting, the music, the people around us (or, in some cases, shooing them away), our movements, our pain-coping techniques. These choices still are available to us even regardless of where the actual birth takes place.

• Acknowledgment of our fears. Towards the end of the workshop, the instructor made an interesting point about individual fears. She said that if we weren’t exactly sure what ours were, to think about the specific questions we were asking. A lot of our questions were signs about what we needed to come to peace with, accept, change our way of thinking, or simply learn more about. For example, one of the couples really wanted to know percentages and statistics of things. They wanted to know what the odds were that something was going to go haywire, and were constantly wondering about other peoples’ experiences. I got the impression that they felt the more they knew about everything that can go wrong, the more they will "own" their experience. Though I understand that urge, I don’t agree with it all the way. It became clear that they had almost over-educated themselves and their minds were spinning with too many possible outcomes, and were becoming obsessed with the part of birth you can’t control, instead of focusing on the parts you can. They also seemed to have a lot of “friends of friends” who shared traumatizing things with them... it’s not like the media doesn’t do that enough. 

***Note, I will post another separate blog on mine and James’ personal fears because I’ve been private messaged with questions about them. This is really exciting to me because A) I am getting people talking and B) I want to share my fear solutions because that’s more empowering than just freaking everyone out.

Would I recommend a prenatal workshop? Absolutely. Though I can only vouch for the one that I attended, I do think it's worth looking into if you ever catch yourself wondering the following: 

Cave woman confidence to you,

Martyna

Oh yea, and a word on the aforementioned “labourland”. This is where a woman is in her most primal state during labour. She is in active labour and does not (or at least should not) care about what anyone else is doing or thinking. She is comfortable moaning, groaning, singing, yoddling, dancing, chanting, stomping, being nekkid, and everything in between. Unlike what media portrays through tv and film, this does not always entail a woman on her back with feet in stirrups, an uncomfortable plastic hospital gown, panicked  shrieking, cursing and general sense of fear and doom.

Pre-penguin phase and Popcorn

“Sorry, I don’t think I can walk the dogs all the way down to the beach. I will likely puke, plus it’s too windy for my nipples.”

*** Please be advised, although after reading the following post I feel like I sound whiney, I still think it’s worth posting. Only because there may be future mama’s or mama’s partners reading it, and I wish I had had someone to relate with when I was going through this stuff. 

One night I got home earlier than expected from babysitting a toddler that I occasionally sit for while his parents go on date nights. I had received many texts from James asking what time I would be home, to which I didn’t respond to because I thought I’d surprise him with my 10pm arrival instead of the predicted 12am. I was walking down our apartment hallway thinking that our floor seemed awfully drafty... maybe heating maintenance again. When I reached our suite at the end of the hall, it seemed particularly freezing... and really noisy. I opened the door cautiously, and first thing I noticed was the smell of burnt popcorn, followed by our exceptionally loud oven fan, the fire alarm going off and finally, the draft source: all of our windows, sky light, and balcony wiiiiide open in the middle of winter. But the best part was James and the dogs running circles around each other while he tries to fan the smoke and calm the animals. James broke rule #1: No. Popcorn. Making. during pre-penguin phase. 

I have never seen him look so guilty and scared of me as I did that night. It’s like I caught him cheating! He ran up to me cautiously (after screaming... with all the ruckus going on he didn’t hear me come in ha ha ha) gave me a huge hug and started apologizing and  explaining that he thought he could air it all out by the time I got home. I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically at the whole situation. Thankfully, shortly after James’ breaking of rule #1, my nausea began to subside, and popcorn making, egg frying, and garlic were allowed in our home once again. But it took us a looooooong time to get there...

During my first two trimesters - what I will refer to as my pre-penguin phase - a.k.a. six months, some pretty intense chronic nausea disabled me from being able to do normal activities. Right off the bat I assumed that a couple pukey days here and there were just part of the experience. A fair trade-off for creating a miracle... no big deal. But when the nausea didn’t stop, got worse, and prevented me from being able to leave my home (major loft fever!!!), function at school and work, or be anywhere that didn’t have access to a rest room, any form of socialization between myself and the world was basically cut off. Most people have heard about “morning sickness” but I, personally, never ever heard anyone experience the extreme morning, afternoon, and night nausea that I had in pre-penguin phase. I’m talking almost half a year of debilitating, isolating, can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t think nausea. And the only thing that would sort of help was the one thing I didn’t want : medication. 

My doctor warned me that if I continued to lose weight and couldn’t keep even water down (yep that’s right, sometimes even water was a trigger), I would have to be hospitalized to ensure that me + baby stay hydrated. Ew, hospital!! As soon as she cautioned baby being in jeopardy, taking the medicine became a very easy decision to make. 

*** A note on DIclectin: My experience with this drug was both good and bad. Though it did increase my drunken pirate feeling syndrome, disabled me from feeling confident to drive long distances by myself, and made me extremely sleepy all day, it did enable me to eat normal food again. Which lead to normal weight gain. Which lead to healthy mama and healthy baby. Worth it! 

What did my extreme nausea look like, you may wonder? Well, imagine you’re carrying a conversation with someone, anyone, and as you are chatting away, you can pinpoint exactly what they ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, when they last showered, if they had a bowel movement on this particular day, what type of laundry detergent they use, and whether or not they believe in deodorant. Now imagine knowing that much info about a stranger. Now imagine all those strangers in one classroom for an hour! That would be how sensitive a preggo nose is. Or, I guess that would be how sensitive my nose was. On top of that you’re hungry (creating a human and all), but most food tastes like what you’d imagine an old sock at the bottom of a compost pile would taste like. Even your favorite foods! Not to mention, eating and smelling things often lead to puking anyways.

At the beginning of your pregnancy a lot of people ask, “so how are you feeling?”  I remember trying to gauge what type of person this was, and how to answer accordingly. I would think, ‘is this the type of person that genuinely wants to know the nitty gritty, if so, how much time are they willing to invest in listening to my response?’ Or, ‘is this the type of person that wants a really quick socially appropriate “great!” response’. Sometimes I would guess right, and sometimes I would guess wrong, and the uncertainty and frustration that followed eventually made me clam up entirely about the subject and basically only talk about it with my baby daddy. Poor guy. 

After pre-penguin phase ended, it was at a monthly check-up appointment that finally one woman, our midwife, related with me. She talked about her chronic nausea, and I remember feeling like, ‘o.k. phew, it’s not just you, you’re not a bad kangaroo after all, your experience, though uncommon, was normal.’ Her sharing her experience with us for half a minute gave so much relief to both James and I. I made a mental note to share mine someday too. Not just for pregnant women, but also for their support partners. It’s hard on them too! 

  Each preggo will react differently to their new cocktail of hormones and hopefully most don’t ever experience any of those not so fun things I mentioned above. There are so many amazing, funny, interesting, quirky things that happen to a preggo throughout her journey that I can’t wait to blog about, but I really wanted to get this one out of the way. So if you have had, are having, or will have chronic nausea, just know I can relate!

Popcorn and socks,

Martyna

P.s. I know you’re left wondering about the wind + nipples mentioned earlier... I was going to make a list of all the weird physical changes that happen throughout pregnancy but clearly I needed to get this particular one “out of my system” for the last time. Stay tuned for enlarged nipples, shpeezing, hot flashes and more!

moustaches and momsense

"Obviously you’re growing out your facial hair so you never have to kiss me again "- and other sensitive subjects.

James just shaved his mustache yesterday and it reminded me of a meltdown I had a little while ago:

 For days I had a little problem that was simmering away, bubbling along, waiting for a certain person to take notice.I fully blame the following on pregnancy; I had convinced myself that the only reason my baby daddy was growing out his stache and beard, was because he had devised a secret plan to never have to kiss me again. (When it’s at a prickly stage I find myself bracing a kiss, if you’ve kissed someone with facial hair you know the feeling. Or if you’re a heterosexual male, I guess it would be like kissing an armpit that’s a couple days past shaven... what you haven’t kissed an armpit before? Use your imagination!) This seems really funny to me now since it has finally become safe for us to laugh openly about it, but I have to admit that at the time whatever cocktail of hormones my body was secreting had me totally emotional. To say the least. 

Let me elaborate on pregnancy emotional vs. regular emotional with the following true story examples. 

Example Situation 1: BF leaves small pile of dirty clothes on the floor on his side of the bed. 

Regular response might be: Hmm. That’s annoying. I have to walk around this to access my closet. 

My pregnant emotional response: OMG James is falling out of love with me. This is apparent because he doesn’t even have enough energy left to pretend to care about tidiness. His unwillingness to drop his dirty clothes into the hamper that is inches away from the floor they rest on now, is clear symbolism for his unwillingness to put in any more energy into our relationship. We are doomed. Intense weeping ensues. 

Example Situation 2: My mom gently suggests that we should perhaps think about buying some non-chlorinated gentle disposable diapers to have on hand in case we find ourselves too tired and overwhelmed in the beginning to fuss with the cloth diapers I just told her about. 

Regular response might be: Ya, maybe you’re right. Maybe just in case, if only they are used when we are experiencing genuine sleep deprivation. And maybe just for the very beginning. 

My pregnant emotional response: Well clearly my mother thinks I don’t know anything about babies and am going to fail in my attempt to diaper my child in an environmentally, economical, and most importantly more comfortable for the baby way. Just because she used disposables doesn’t mean I’m going to! Why can’t she trust my judgment? I’ve done the research and she hasn’t! The lesson I must take from this is : tell mom nothing. Be prepared for battle. Weeping again.

***Love you, mom. We got some disposables on hand because to convince oneself that the only acceptable thing to do is cloth diaper right away, no matter what, is crazy. You were right. But I’m sure you know that.

Example situation 3: It’s 2am and I can’t get comfortable, I can’t seem to fall asleep, and my bf is already snoozing away in dreamland. He has been on set for the past gazillion days and is sleep deprived. I decide this is a perfect time to wake him and be flirtatious. Obviously that doesn’t go as planned... he turns the other way and continues to snore. 

Regular response: Do not take this personally. He is exhausted. And you are annoying. 

My pregnant emotional response: I am a huge undesirable cow, with stretch marks, swollen limbs and zero sex appeal. Why would he want to be flirted with while I am in such a state? He probably has realized that I will never look the same, and is missing the skinny minnie he fell in love with. I have brought on my own sexiness expiration date by bearing a child sooner than most. From now on he will look at his friends’ significant others and wonder why he settled for me. He will never see me as his cute girlfriend again, just a ‘mom’ figure. I may as well prepare for a lifetime of celibacy ahead. Weeping. 

These are some examples of the effect that hormones have had on me throughout my pregnancy. The part that is hard to explain and illustrate, is that even though the situations sound so ridiculous and at times maybe humorous, at the time I experienced them, they really had a profound effect on my mental state. With the mustache example, I truly genuinely believed that James just didn’t care about the prickly effect because kissing me wasn’t even a worthy cause to get rid of the prickles. I was convinced that the stupid mustache was going to spiral into a whole whack of relationship problems for us. And when I say melt down, I mean full on sobbing, depressed and helpless feeling. Those are some pretty intense emotions! 

The best thing I can suggest to you when you are dealing with an unstable preggo (or me), is even though part of you probably just wants to look at that person and say, “you’re just emotional because you’re pregnant” - please don’t do this! It may seem so obvious that you feel to pretend anything else would be dishonest (trust me, I am known for having a very limited filter and know how difficult it would be to bite your tongue in this type of a situation). 

 I am so lucky and grateful that James comforted me through my mustache meltdown and pretended that he was so unbelievably sorry that he missed my cues on the whole ‘ouch’ factor, and that if he had known that it was causing me such physical discomfort he would have shaved it all of right away! After calming me down and being amazingly empathetic about the pathetic situation, he immediately shaved it off. 

We laugh at this now and he openly admits that he totally thought I was overreacting, but knew not to give me any insight on his true feelings at the time because it wouldn’t help the situation. 

A more relatable example would be when someone tells you that you’re being emotional or irrational because ‘you must be having your period’. How annoying! Even if it’s true, don’t say it!!!

Mustaches and momsense,

Martyna

Tight asses.

Most common questions I’ve been asked during my pregnancy:

1. When are you due?
2. Do you know what you’re having?
3. Have you picked a name?
4. Have you had any cravings?
5. Are you and James going to get married now?

Don’t get me wrong, these are interesting enough questions, but after being asked the same thing a million times I can’t help but wonder if the questions people are asking are their genuine curiosities, or are they just what have been deemed socially appropriate in this culture. It’s like people are reading a script instead of looking inward and letting themselves ask what they truly want to know. 

The more I immerse myself into the prenatal world through research (mostly from inspiring people and less from books), the more I realize there is a huge lack of openness in Canada when it comes to the topic of pregnancy. The following is definitely more opinion then fact, but I personally think this is total crap!

Unless you live in a desolate island away from all mammals, chances are you have, and will, encounter a woman preparing for labour at some point, if not many times. How could you not have questions? Initially, I thought my genuine curiosity and quickly evolving passion was biased. I thought, ‘ I must be obsessively interested in the nitty gritty details because, well, I’m going through this right now’. But then something happened after an amazing prenatal workshop I attended with my baby daddy, where my aforementioned suspicions of society’s ridiculous pressure to keep the interesting questions tabu were affirmed. A fire seemed to be lit right under my bum that all of a sudden gave me major motivation to challenge our nation’s *tight asses.

*Tight ass- the result of being encouraged to move through life both physically and metaphorically like a robot. Pelvic floor physiotherapists see them all the time in Canada, and in particular it’s women who suffer from the condition because we have been brainwashed to think that to hold things in is normal. As my prenatal yoga instructor would say “ it is not enough to practice keggels each day. You must practice releasing your anal sphincters by practicing ‘horse lips’ if you want to refrain from existing as a tight ass”. She often teaches about the connection between tight ass syndrome and mental and sexual health. I seriously love her. 

Anyways, the amount of pregnancy topics I want to share with everyone I know right now is so vast, that I’d have to write an entire novel. But just to spark your imagination, I’ve put together a list of questions that I wish women felt comfortable asking. Maybe if I offer these to you, it will encourage you to ask your own questions that come up. Although I caution: just because I am totally comfortable and excited to share my journey candidly and honestly with you, this does not mean other women may be. Though this makes me sad for the women that are tight-lipped, and for you for being deprived of fascinating knowledge, I am at least happy to hopefully offer another perspective. 

Some questions I wish people felt comfortable asking: 

1. Emotionally, what have been your biggest lessons and challenges throughout the past months with the ever-fluctuating influence of hormones?
2. Are there any physical changes that you weren’t expecting that have surprised you and/or your partner?
3. How has your relationship with baby daddy changed? In what ways were there challenges, in what ways has there been growth?
4. Why are you wanting a home birth? Why wouldn’t you want to give birth at a hospital like everyone else you know who has had children?
5. What subjects in particular would you consider a must for doing your own extensive research on?
6. What fears have come up throughout your pregnancy that you wouldn’t otherwise experience?
7. What has been the best advice you’ve been given amongst all the advice that has been offered? 
8. What do you wish people didn’t say to you?
9. What would you consider to be great ways to support a pregnant friend/family member throughout their journey?
10. If you had a magic wand and could change something from the experience, what would you change? What will you treasure forever?

Those are some that come to mind. Again, all very broad topics but perhaps I’ll force some of you to give me some feedback on which ones you’d think would be worth reading about. Maybe none, maybe all. My goal is to offer some insight on things that you guys are curious about. And my dream, well, for all the tight asses in our society to let go and speak freely about this very natural, normal, beautiful part of life!

Happy Horse Lips,

Martyna

It's positive!

“James stop the car! I need to run into Shopper’s and get something...”

“What do you need?”

“Chips!”

This is the world’s worst lie. We have just rushed out of my hair appointment because of my sudden extreme nausea. You see, my hairdresser and I share an intense love for Dolly Parton-esque do’s and hairspray. Both Dolly and hairspray are usually my norm. Like pate and pickles (Polish thing), they are a regular part of my routine. Yet, on this particular day the smells, the spray, the music, the light, and basically everything around me is nauseating.

I run into the store, beeline towards the pharmacy and have my first of what will soon be many, out-of-body pregnancy-related experience. Is this really me standing in front of the pee stick section? I mean, I know tons of girls who buy these things all the time. I have one friend who is so paranoid that she stocks up every time they go on sale and has them on hand in her bathroom, like tampons. Another just buys them in bulk at Costco because they are too expensive otherwise, and figures that while actively trying and monitoring her flow etc., ( can’t remember what the process was exactly but there were very detailed calendars and times and schedules involved... clearly, I did not have this obstacle ha ha ha...) she may as well get used to taking them regularly. 

Anyways, there I am, buying my first pregnancy test, and of course there are a million options. With my mind already spinning with ‘what if’s’ there is hardly any room to make consecutive decisions about brands. 

Why is there a price range for pregnancy tests?! Does the more expensive one mean it’s more accurate? What brands were my friends using? Should I get two? That seems to be what people do in movies in case one is off.

 Which BTW don’t bother ever doing because the only thing that can in fact make the little window show a + is pregnancy hormone... which I learn later. Also, take nothing related to pregnancy or birth that you see in media seriously. 

I decide that I am not even pregnant anyway and this whole pregnancy test thing is just me being ridiculous. I’m only getting it so I can tell James, who has been convinced all summer that I’m pregnant, that he’s wrong!

 I fly out of the store with my bag of chips and a 50% off clearance pregnancy test. I figure to keep my secret a secret, I should avoid eye contact and conversation in general for the rest of the car ride. Another very    

un-me like thing. 

Upon our arrival home, I immediately lock myself up in the bathroom. I open the box and read the directions about one hundred times, just to be sure. If you haven’t done this, it is very simple:

1. Pee on the stick.
2. Look at the window on the stick.
3. If there is a + in the window on your stick, sit down on your bathroom floor and try not to pass out. 

I follow the steps. And then I look. And then I re-read the directions about a hundred times. I look at the stick again. I look into the toilet to make sure that my pee looks normal, as though that would be the real proof. I look at the photo on the instructions. I turn the stick upside down and sideways just in case I am seeing the + wrong. I am pretty sure I shake it, blow on it, tap it, talk to it, and everything but sing to it. I behave like this for an unknown amount of time.  I believe you could say I am in denial. Yep, if denial and shock had offspring, I would be their baby. 

Next thought; I’ve been in the bathroom for what is starting to feel like a long time and James is like 4 meters away from me in the living room (our apartment is tiny) and is making no noise. Therefor he has heard me opening a box and shuffling papers, peeing a little, then stopping, and then peeing more. Obviously I am taking a pregnancy test. 

I come out of the bathroom and just stand there looking at him. He knows. I know this by the hugeness in his eyes and his body language. 

He sees that I am the offspring of denial + shock and probably at this point is not sure how to approach me. I remember seeing wetness in his eyes and exchanging nervous/excited embraces, but all I kept thinking was ‘stupid choice buying the clearance test... it has obviously malfunctioned, and now you've just gotten him worked up for no reason’. I actually remember giving him the heads up that it was a clearance test and so it was likely wrong! Clearly I am still in denial.

We are at a walk-in within the hour because I decide that that will be the only true way to know for sure. I do another pee test. Nurse leaves the room and James and I make little jokes about how crazy it would be if she came back and said that it was positive. Nurse comes back and hands us a pamphlet about babies and tells us it’s positive.

And so it begins :)